Back to school and Birthday Week
My first two weeks of school right after Spring Break were a whirlwind (and it still is, to some degree). There were a lot of stuff going on. We had new scenes, I am working on a new song (for singing class), we had auditions for the British American Drama Academy (BADA) which I learned two new monologues for, I had to turn in an additional 30 new pages for the play I'm writing for playwriting class, it's tax season, and I'm learning Act 1 lines for Three Sisters. And only two weeks have passed since Spring Break (and I'm on to a new scene, a new song, more pages for my play, etc.).
I have to remember that what we are doing in this program is not normal. I have to remember to be gentle to myself. I feel like I'm in a "hallway." I've left home, and yet I have not settled into a new home yet. There are things I miss but things that remind me why I left, and I haven't replaced the things I have let go of yet. I feel alone and yet I am truly not alone.
There is an inner child in me that goes into a rage when it does not get what it wants, especially when my birthday comes. I try to convince myself that it is not a big deal, that I am already an adult, and that I am very busy in school. The inner child will not be convinced, and I did go into a breakdown once a friend of mine came into my dressing room to give me present (the first present I had that day) and asked me how I was.
It is very interesting, where I am at. I have left home because I wanted to grow up and learn to be an adult - learn to stand my ground and fend for myself. Now that I am "in it" (in the process of growing up), right smack in the middle of electric and household bills and taxes while balancing a demanding program, there is a desire for regression. I feel it most palpably in Physical Comedy class, when some exercises bring out the five year old in me still very much alive, crying with rage at why I haven't paid any attention to her all these years.
I am very sorry, five year old, Regina. I am very sorry. I am going to pay more attention to you more often.
And we're going to have a Happy Birthday, again. I promise.
I am a Graduate Drama student at The Juilliard School from Quezon City, Philippines.