1. Dance Piece
Last Wednesday (December 16) we were tasked to share a 2-4min Solo Dance Piece for Movement class. I'm at a point in my life where I am realizing that a considerable part of my artistic choices have been influenced by notions of what I think I "should" be doing. Where, when and how I internalized those notions, I am not quite sure. But unconsciously making those choices have taken a lot of the fun and the joy out of what I do for such a long time. I am in a very good place to revisit or explore what it is that truly moves me vs what I think people expect me to do.
Preparing for this Dance Piece was a step towards the latter direction. I remember as a Theatre student in ADMU, I was tasked to prepare a movement piece as well. I didn't quite know myself then as much as I do now, and I do not remember what movement piece I did but I distinctly remember my movement teacher saying, "I expected more from you, Regina" and that really hit me. Then, I was so concerned about pleasing other people (especially my teachers) that I have somehow lost myself in the process. Now I am in a better place to say, "Fuck that!" and be more true and investigative towards what moves me from within. 
In the beginning of preparing for my dance piece (i.e. creating movement "studies") I still gave in a little to having to create something "dancy" since we were tasked to do a "Dance Piece." As I went deeper into the process the movements became more true to the expression of how I felt and at the same time, they became more distilled, less dancy and more of a "ritual."

This was how it went:
I placed a red Ifugao-patterned blanket diagonally across the performing space and used a chalk to draw a circle around it. I went in the circle and lied down to my side at the center of the red Ifugao blanket/chalk circle. The music "With a Smile" (Eraserheads) began playing. I slowly move a foot and twitch. My eyes open. I lie to my back and try to get up with the center of my body leading. As I move up a piercing pain knives through my heart and I am sent back down to the floor. I feel for my chest using my right hand and in spite of the piercing pain I pull myself up with force. I walk but I hit my head by somewhere I couldn't see. Later I realize I was enveloped within the circle. I investigate the circle, try to find its boundaries and touch it. Every time I do so, I pierce my heart. I try to see the scope of the boundaries of the circle by bravely sending my hand across the entire circumference in spite of the pain. I try to push the circle out, even pound it with my fists but the more I push or pound the greater the pain it bulldozes through my heart and I am sent hurling back towards floor at the eye of the circle. I cannot get out, nor can I let anyone in.
I see the red Ifugao blanket I fell upon. I lift it with my fingers and investigate it. I drop it once. Seeing how futile it is I hurl it in front of me in frustration. When I see where it has fallen, I realize one end of the blanket has gotten through the other side of the circle. In curiosity, I lift the blanket and court danger by hurling it through the boundaries and back. Interestingly, I feel no pain. I try to touch the edge with my finger = pain. I hurl the blanket through = no pain. I keep doing this across several areas = same result. I go to the eye of the circle and play with this magical blanket until I decide to hold it on the edges and wrap it around my neck as a sort of "superhero cape." And with this red Ifugao cape that protects me from pain I blur/erase the edges of the circle until there is nothing that stands in my way. As I go back to the eye of the circle, I take a deep breath and face the sun. I walk towards it with the blanket draped over my body and the palm of my right hand facing upward open to receive the light. In my mind I say, "I am free. I am free."

With A Smile
Aloha Milkyway Album
Eraserheads

Lift your head, baby, don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
You can't win at everything but you can try.

Baby, you don't have to worry
'Coz there ain't no need to hurry
No one ever said that there's an easy way
When they're closing all their doors
And they don't want you anymore
This sounds funny but I'll say it anyway.

Girl I'll stay through the bad times
Even if I have to fetch you everyday
I'll get by if you smile
You can never be too happy in this life.

In a world where everybody
Hates a happy ending story
It's a wonder love can make the world go round
And don't let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You'll get along with a little prayer and a song.

(Too doo doo...)
Let me hear you sing it
(Too doo doo...)

In a world where everybody
Hates a happy ending story
It's a wonder love can make the world go round

But don't let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You'll get along with a little prayer and a song.

Lift your head, baby, don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
Now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye

(Too doo doo...)
Let me hear you sing it
(Too doo doo...)

Last Sunday (December 20), I met up with my mentor Rachel Straus again and we walked through Fort Tyron Park where you can also see the Cloisters museum. I absolutely love talking to Rachel and I derive a lot of light and life that helps me move forward every time I spend time with her.
I am getting glimpses of a hundred more options, choices and ways to live now more than at any previous point in my life. I have gotten myself to a place where I have opened up more possibilities for myself.
A powerful light bulb that I've had last weekend was with respect to "narratives." Narratives are stories that I tell myself. Narratives can also be stories that my family or society and culture have told me while I was growing up. An example of a narrative that I almost bought into was that I was to get an education, work, marry, have children, become a grandmother and then retire. But I began to see that for what it was: a narrative. It's a story I could choose to internalize only if I wanted to but I do not necessarily have to.
Now I am aware that there are other narratives out there available to me, and if I do not find them I will create them for myself.

On the evening of the same day, us Group 48'ers watched the closing performance of Group 45's Arcadia. It was one of the best shows I've seen since coming to New York so far. They were absolutely amazing. Watching work like this done by students from the school strengthens my faith towards my journey. It reminds me that I am in for a four-year program, and I can take my time. There is absolutely no need to rush. I do not have to figure it all out now. I will get there and I am surrounded by people who want to and will help me.

4. Juilliard Drama Pictures!
I almost forgot to include in this post that the pictures from our first Drama Division Photoshoot were finally up at the Stephanie P. McClelland Drama Theater lobby! Here they are :)

1. Quarterly Reviews (December 7, Monday)
Last December 7 (Monday), we had our first Quarterly Reviews. Quarterly Reviews is an opportunity for Drama Faculty and students to check-in with one another. It used to be called "critiques" but they changed the name to "reviews." These kinds of events are something I would normally be "vigilant" about back home but I think that I am in such a good place where I feel safe and so I fully trusted that this event will only do good for me. I didn't really think much about it until we were all there.

I'm grateful to be here. The approach of the faculty towards the "students" (they treat us more like "artists" rather than mere "students") in giving feedback are quite different from what I experienced back home. My dominant experience with theatre teachers prior to coming to Juilliard was when a teacher or a person of authority would give feedback it would be to name what was lacking, or what I do not yet have, where I am not good at, where I am weak. This usually breeds a culture of insecurity, competition and anxiety. I always felt then as if I was never enough.

I walked away from reviews feeling a bit taller. Not because all I received were "praises," but I gained a clearer sense of what my innate strengths are as an artist, an actor and a human being. Then I was invited to explore areas in my work other than that of my default choices. I felt as if they began with what I already have within me as an artist/human being and then invited me to go to places where I can grow larger.
​
Prior to coming to Juilliard I had felt many times being wanted to be silenced when I voiced my truth and was called arrogant and selfish when I did in spite of the lack of support in my surroundings. The community I belong to now is equipping me with the tools to articulate what is going on in my mind and my heart even in the "neither here nor there" areas. When in the past I was called selfish and arrogant, here I am invited to have entitlement to my thoughts and take my space in the room. This is not out of largeness' sake but because when I take my own space in the room I invite others to do the same. And as I voice my truth the room also becomes larger and hopefully everyone else in it.
​
I remember asking a current student during final callback weekend last March about why is everyone so happy here? This cannot be real. Where is all this "happiness" coming from? I'm beginning to apprehend why. The community has such respect for the human being's "truth." Someone will ask me how I am, and I can say that I'm not okay - and that is okay, because that is my truth at that moment. And from wherever I am at that moment, the community would invite me to move forward.

2. Week of watching shows!
Another perk of being a Juilliard Drama student is you get to see so many shows and you get to see the work of students who have been training in the program longer that you have. This week we saw the second years' (Group 47) Coriolanus and Lear and the third year's (Group 46) As Five Years Pass by Federico Garcia Lorca.

3. New Work-study: Ushering
Since my stint as Microwave/Refrigerator/Water Dispenser Monitor for the month of November is over I decided to turn to Ushering work as my new source of income. I've had a total of 12 hours of ushering this weekend!

4. Annual Juilliard Drama Open-House (December 11, Friday)
My first Open-House is now one of my favorite Juilliard experiences so far. It was a day in which we could invite family/friends/loved-ones to spend a full day with us in all of our classes to get a sneak peak in what we actually do every day. My mom and dad for the day were my aunt and uncle from New Jersey. This was important to me because no one from my family back in the Philippines ever saw me "at work" or "in process." Their only acquaintance with my work was when they would watch me in a show - which is just the tip of the iceberg. My Tita Lea and Tito Danny were the first in my family to actually see how I work when "no one's watching." They saw me jumping and kicking in Darryl's movement/heavy cardio class, talk about lust through Sonnet 129 in voice class, voice out what I thought about ads showing women in underwear in Current Events and the Judicious Mind, improvise various facets of a relationship in Improv class, punch and get punched in Stage combat, and dance the foxtrot, rumba, tango and swing in Ballroom class. 
​
I've reached a point in my life where I'm beginning to get tired of being the "outsider." When I say "outsider" I do not mean being a "foreigner" - I mean someone who felt different from everybody else and who felt not fully understood for who he/she was growing up. I actually want to feel loved. And I'm becoming more brave in articulating and owning up to that need and seeking out that love in as varied ways as I can. Letting family into my work is to me an important step in the process of bridging that gap.

This was one of my favorite days because it reminded me of why I wanted to go to Juilliard. This was a community which I felt had this enveloping love for the humanity of the people who comprised it. I see it in the way the faculty went and met our respective families, I see it in how they communicate to our parents in the classes they saw for the day, I see it in how students are influenced to be more generous and inclusive people themselves.

This was one of my favorite days because I felt loved. I felt that my fellow actors' family were my family as well. And there's no use coming back to my habit of crawling back into my cave, shrinking and disappearing from people whenever I felt that I was loved by no one. Now I can come out and take leaps because I feel surrounded by people who support me like wind behind my wings.

I love going to places I've never been and I love it even more when I can go out with great company. We had a long weekend so I really took advantage of it. Here were some of my favorites:

1. Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater
Last Friday (December 6), Rachel Straus (my mentor under the fantastic Juilliard Mentoring Program) got us tickets to watch the 8PM show of the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. The show was at the New York City Center located on 55th St. between 6th and 7th Avenues. 
This was the first time that I've seen a dance show in New York City and I was lucky enough to see it with someone who writes reviews on dance and is well-versed in dance history (read more about Rachel here). Whenever I would watch a ballet or a contemporary dance performance in the Philippines, I would always look for spectacle. By "spectacle" I mean clean lines, athleticism, "acrobatic" abilities, ease in executing difficult movements. As a viewer now, I think I should be getting more than spectacle in watching a dance piece which is clearly an art form.
Upon asking several questions on "how to watch a dance show" from Rachel, it was interesting to me how much engagement I have to bring in watching a genre that does not necessarily have a clear beginning, middle, end or narrative. It is an individual experience in the sense that I would have to find meaning and expression for myself through the movements of the dancers.
What I loved most in our conversation was the common dislike for "pretty." In any work of art it is not enough to be pretty because life is not pretty. When you give the audience "pretty" what happens is that after the performance people will go back to their phones and talk about what they did during the day as if nothing had moved them. Life is a mess. When you give people art you must include conflict or some form of resistance.

2. Highline
Last Saturday (December 7) afternoon I walked through the entire Highline along Manhattan's West Side. This was such a treat to me as I am fascinated by places that have been transformed. Highline was originally a railroad track that was converted into a public park. While walking through the Highline I got a view of Chelsea Piers, which is another place that was transformed from a set of piers into a place with a golf course, a sports center, a skating rink and so on. St. Ann's Warehouse (where we saw the all-female production of Henry IV) was indeed a warehouse that was transformed into a theater.
I find it amazing how people can look into "old things" or "old places" and instead of seeing something that has to be torn down (worse, allowing them to look abominable through neglect and/or indifference), they see new possibilities for these spaces. New York has the artists who have the vision, the means and the volition to transform those spaces.
I have seen so many dilapidated buildings or areas across Metro Manila and it would be amazing if artists would collaborate to transform them. For (as what I've seen around Highline, Chelsea Piers and St. Ann's Warehouse) when you transform spaces, you transform the communities around them.

1. Carnegie Hall two nights in a row!

The Juilliard Orchestra performed selections from the works of Schumann (Overture to Manfred, Op. 115), Berg (Three Pieces for the Orchestra, Op. 6: Präludium, Reigen & Marsch) and Wagner (A Ring Synthesis). I myself was and still am not familiar with any of these works although this was when our Music Studies class came of use. I guess you do not have to have an extensive background on classical music to be able to appreciate it when it's playing. My favorite was the Schumann piece because it articulated how my heart moved in certain ways. One of the most rewarding things in engaging with any piece of art or literature is finding identification: through the piece you discover that you are not mad or alone.

"Lorca Madly in Love" was the first Flamenco performance I have ever seen so I did not know what to expect from this particular genre of dance. The setup was there was a guitar and a violin player and a female singer on stage right and a percussionist plus around two male singers on stage left. The center stage was free for each solo or duo flamenco performance. It was one of the most passionate and sensual dances I have seen so far.

2. Port Authority to New Jersey

As soon as the "Lorca" show ended, I headed back to my room in the Residence Hall to get my bags and head to Port Authority to take the 12:15 midnight bus to New Jersey. I arrived a little past 1am and got off at the River Edge Diner Restaurant and was picked up by my cousin.
My cousins sleep really late - they are awesome that way - and it was fun to watch them heat up their "midnight" snacks at 2 in the morning. I probably went to bed around 3am and they were still in the TV room.

4. The lone weekend
I traveled back to New York the day after and so I had Friday all to myself. It was interesting how I suddenly had all this free time alone and I did get to read a couple of things I've always wanted to read but didn't have the time for during regular class days. But more so, I experienced how it was to be truly alone and not have homework to escape to. Things are beginning to become more complex for me internally as I progress towards the different phases of the program.