This question has been on my mind recently as I contemplate being in second year and how I want to approach the work in the remaining years of the program. I've realized that I have been an "obedient student" most of my life. My suspicion is that a large part of this has to do with my upbringing and how I based my self worth on gaining the approval of elderly or authority figures whom I have unconsciously perceived as "gods." Growing up, it mattered more that I was "good" (mabait) or "obedient" (masunurin) than brave and speaking what's on my mind. This meant a lot of silence on my part which also bred a lot of hidden resentment. It didn't help also that most of these "gods" were profoundly flawed human beings with a lot of their own unresolved issues. My silence cultivated their status and authority while my own voice threatened their egos and hence my own place in my communities. Until now, articulating difficult emotions remains a challenge in relationships.
Bravery and resourcefulness, I believe, were things that I found and cultivated on my own as I touched upon adulthood. A part of making the journey to a new environment and building a new life in that new environment is getting to know more deeply who I am and exercising the right to nurture my personal Voice.
As a student in Juilliard, I do admit that I take teachers' feedback as "gold." Sometimes there is a fear that if I do not do what I am told I will be skipping an integral part of my journey as an artist and will leave the program with a "hole" in my toolbox and will be unable to enter the gates of an industry that I want to be a part of. An industry in which most gatekeepers are white. The same way that most of my teachers are white.

On the other hand, listening to and watching people like Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer on youtube made me want to reinvestigate a number of things. One of the things that I want to move towards now is stepping into who I am. I think that the Self has a lot to do about being an artist. The Self is where maybe 90% of the resources/material is drawn from for an artist (the others may be: collaboration, technique, era, etc.). And yet, sometimes it is hard to look in the mirror and realize that one does not fit into the prevailing cultural ideals in terms of physical features. One can also be too aware of one's hang-ups, or unhealthy emotional patterns set early in childhood that one is still wrestling to heal in adulthood, or the fear that one is crazy because one's opinion or point of view is different from the majority that is in the room, etc.

I thought that I was a person who particularly likes, respects and loves myself. Upon closer inspection, I feel I can be more compassionate to myself with all the things I'm dealing with on a day-to-day basis.

Moving forward, I'm likely to take baby steps in terms of investigating what it means  to be "outwardly entirely obedient while inwardly intelligently and committedly rebellious." That I will show up and do the work and will "surrender" to the flow of the class. But while I do so, at back of my mind, I am secretly saying, "fuck you, I am here."

One of the things that stood out for me towards the end of this break was the idea of "building a new family." I feel like the 2016 holiday season was one of merriest I've had since transitioning into "adulthood." Several factors could have allowed this to happen: having the agency now to schedule my break and be able to move back and forth between New York and New Jersey when I wanted to, I have grown more equipped to the cold weather, I've settled in more with my relatives in New Jersey and have forged deeper relationships, etc.

There is something rewarding about having to wake up in the morning and have people by the dining table whom you want to talk to over brunch. Or have people whom you like enough to watch TV with late at night over coffee and snacks. All this at the same time having the liberty to retreat into one's room when one needs the privacy and space. I've been asking myself how can I surround myself with people whom I love and who love me back and yet be able to have my own space? How can I build community around me?

I have been quite a workaholic during the first two quarters of second year and I wanted to explore being kinder and "easier" with myself during the third quarter. In order to help me find balance in self-care and rigor in the craft I've come up with several questions for myself to guide me in choosing when to do things:

Do I want this?
Do I need to do this?
Do I need to do this now?
Will it help me?
Is it healthy for me?
Is it the healthy and loving thing to myself for me to do this now?
Is it in line with what I want for myself in the bigger fabric of my life?
Is it worth it?

I finished reading Alain de Botton's "The Course of Love" this break. If you want to learn more about what this novel wishes to push-back against, check out this video from "The School of Life":

I'm gonna steal something I got from the wall of my best friend:

2016 has been a year of incredible life challenges: finding my first apartment, moving in, learning to cook (and basically fend for myself), visiting home for the first time after a year of living abroad, dealing with domestic problems (including landlord and roommates), dealing with bed bugs (in New York City!), the death of my hero, an apartment of three colleagues burning, a friend falling with a collapse of a second-floor terrace, Trump winning, second year at Juilliard, etcetera, etcetera.

And so I say, fuck you 2016 for all the shit you've put me through. On the other hand, thank you for showing me how strong I could be.