Truthfully I have set aside or put on hold several aspects of my life and my self during the first two years of my training. Mainly because I have deemed those aspects of my self as "bad," "old," "no longer useful," "didn't work for me," etc. in order to make space for a larger Self to emerge. It bears noting that in the first half of my 20's, especially between the ages of 23-25, I have attempted to carve out an identity molded from my ideas of the kind of woman I thought I was meant to become only to find out that beneath the veneer of a self image I've created lay a small child, scared and feeling unworthy and unfit to be loved.

This current phase of my life, this "Juilliard Journey," has been a kind of pilgrimage. I've stripped away the "woman" idea that I carved out in my early 20's, held the hand of that small child and walked her through several stages of healing. I am quite proud to say that at the beginning of this third year, I sense a bridge being built between the child and the woman.

There were some things about me that I threw away upon coming to New York that I'm beginning to realize were not bad in and of themselves. It was my former motivations that made them skewed. My motivations are ones that at times either serve me or not serve me. I am looking forward to slowly walk my way through integrating some aspects of my former self into this larger Self that I have made space to emerge.

Shakespeare Scene Study
Suzuki
Makeup!

There are many things that I hope for myself this year. In the welcome emails that we've been getting from some teachers, there is this sense of looking forward to a year of transformative growth (one teacher even went as far as, "going beyond your greatest expectations of yourself this year"). Frankly, I do not know what to expect. Most of the early part of second year was me being obsessed with growth - as if I was a plant that wanted to be pulled up in the direction of the sun as quickly as possible. I learned that I cannot control the pace of my growth. I can only set the conditions for it to happen - some of it is "mental," too.

I have noticed that there are some aspects of this specific journey of mine that triggers a melancholy aspect of my psyche - I have a hunch I might have absorbed this at home. Also, the trauma of some second year challenges (i.e. bed bugs and other domestic problems, and race) still feel alive in me and somewhat conditioned my body and mind to anticipate that something bad might happen anytime.

I've been observing or studying other people in my life who haven't gone through what I've gone through last year and I feel that their outlook in life is much different. They're a little more hopeful and a little more positive. I've also been reading a couple of Buddha doodles and been mentally reciting some affirmations to myself.

Without being too specific, there are things that I want and hope for but I want to make peace with the fact that whatever happens, I will be okay. And I want to create a space in my inner landscape to allow for what I desire to happen, happen.

If there is one thing I am truly tired of, it is the narrative of unrequited love. Sometimes feeling rejected for far too long makes a dent in one's self worth. I want to make this year a year where I reclaim my self worth and love even if it means standing alone. I am never truly alone, I've got friends and people behind me that remind me that I am worthy just as I am. I am starting this new school year strong and this poem is a declaration onto the universe:

Note to self: Please hang out more and work with people who are healthy and good for you.

School begins next week! Can you imagine? Well, perhaps I can. I made sure I savored every single moment of free time this summer and I'm slowly getting back into the pace and rhythm of being a Graduate student at The Juilliard School.

It's been quite nice being able to alternate homework (we've got assignments for singing, Shakespeare scene study, political speeches, and our first production), rest, binge-watching and getting coffee with friends. Although there has been a lot less binge-watching happening this week and more getting focused back on the work.

I know I haven't posted in three weeks, which is beyond the time I usually give myself in-between posts. However, it was important to me to allow myself the space for "non-doing" while the circumstances allowed for it because I know that life at The Juilliard School will throw a lot of elements back into the mix again. The inner serenity that I have rediscovered this summer will come in handy once training, life, interpersonal relationships, etcetera will come to engage with it once again.

And there you have it! I'm guessing there would be a lot more pictures coming your way this school year, as third year will bring full-blown productions (i.e. wigs, makeup, costumes, etc.) open to the public!