My first two weeks of school right after Spring Break were a whirlwind (and it still is, to some degree). There were a lot of stuff going on. We had new scenes, I am working on a new song (for singing class), we had auditions for the British American Drama Academy (BADA) which I learned two new monologues for, I had to turn in an additional 30 new pages for the play I'm writing for playwriting class, it's tax season, and I'm learning Act 1 lines for Three Sisters. And only two weeks have passed since Spring Break (and I'm on to a new scene, a new song, more pages for my play, etc.).

I have to remember that what we are doing in this program is not normal. I have to remember to be gentle to myself. I feel like I'm in a "hallway." I've left home, and yet I have not settled into a new home yet. There are things I miss but things that remind me why I left, and I haven't replaced the things I have let go of yet. I feel alone and yet I am truly not alone.

There is an inner child in me that goes into a rage when it does not get what it wants, especially when my birthday comes. I try to convince myself that it is not a big deal, that I am already an adult, and that I am very busy in school. The inner child will not be convinced, and I did go into a breakdown once a friend of mine came into my dressing room to give me present (the first present I had that day) and asked me how I was.

It is very interesting, where I am at. I have left home because I wanted to grow up and learn to be an adult - learn to stand my ground and fend for myself. Now that I am "in it" (in the process of growing up), right smack in the middle of electric and household bills and taxes while balancing a demanding program, there is a desire for regression. I feel it most palpably in Physical Comedy class, when some exercises bring out the five year old in me still very much alive, crying with rage at why I haven't paid any attention to her all these years.

I posted a blog under Juilliard Admissions about what I've been doing during the first week of my Spring Break. You can read it here.

This is the second callback weekend I've done work-study for. It comes at the right time during an arc of a school year. For this year my job was to be among the panelists comprised of current students, alumnae and Juilliard Administrative staff to answer questions about life in school. After that, I was also given the job of being one of the "dinner hosts." That is, to accompany all callbackees to the school cafe at the end of the day for dinner, as well as to eat dinner with the callbackees to get to know them and to answer any questions they may have about the final callback weekend or the school in general.

The experience has been enlightening. And a good reminder of why I chose to undertake this journey and this training program. Here's some nuggets I got out of the experience:

- Stay in touch with that "thing" that got you into this school. That "thing" that has been within you and carried you from the beginning. Never lose sight of that. That is what is going to get you all the jobs and all the things you intend to do once you get out of school.
- This time, this opportunity, is a gift.
- Follow the signs.

We just had our first reading of Three Sisters today (March 13). I feel very happy. I don't think I've felt this light in a long time. A part of my brain wants to sabotage it and say, "It is not real. It will not last." And I just want to say to that, "Leave me alone! Let me be." It's so interesting. I wonder what that human instinct is: self-sabotage. Why is it so easy for me to accept loneliness and sadness as every day companions, and then be skeptical about happiness and lightness? As if only loneliness was real and happiness is to be mistrusted?

I don't know. We're expecting a blizzard tomorrow. So I have an unexpected day off!

In the meantime, I am so excited for Spring!