These polls are prevalent in my field. While we actors are in the business of the "human spirit," we inevitably fall under the business of "looks," as well.

I was tagged in the comments section of a recent informal survey along these lines on Facebook ("pinaka maganda, pinaka charming at pinaka talented na Theatre Actress na kilala niyo 18-30 years old"). I found it interesting how I responded to it while I am in the current life phase I'm in right now as compared to how I responded to it in my early 20's in the Philippines. Whereas before, I would doubt my professional status when I wasn't included in it - now I saw it more as a reflection of the society where the survey originated.

Surveys along this line reinforce the unconscious belief that the value of women can be measured by how they physically look (and the value endowed into whether she is fair or dark skinned, thin or on the heavy side, tall or petite, and let's not even touch upon race yet, etc.) and their capacity to please and charm others, particularly men. When I was in the Philippines last July, I saw a play at the Virgin Labfest directed by Chris Martinez entitled, "Hapagkainan" - a farce and a mockery of Philippine commercials played out into a seemingly "perfect Filipino family" having dinner. The cast was filled with actors who physically fit the "commercial mold" and were directed to discuss dark issues with a smile until what they were truly made of could no longer be hidden. During the discussion after the play, Chris Martinez pointed out "ang mga Pilipino mahilig sa maganda." Ang maganda ay maputi at laging naka-smile.

The emergence of this survey reminded me of what is commonly valued in Filipino society: looks, looks, looks. And the "look" has to be in a certain way: "maputi, payat, laging naka-smile" (fair-skinned, slim and always in a smile). Youth is also a factor (the survey only asked for women between 18-30 years old). When a woman does not fit into or ages out of that mold, she runs the risk of being undervalued in spite of her many other gifts.

What about a woman's Courage? Spirit? Soul? Depth? Guts? Voice? Intelligence? Wit? Originality? Boldness? Growth? Ambition? Accomplishment? Why do we, as a culture, do not celebrate those things as often as we celebrate "prettiness" or "charm"? And because looks and youth are what is celebrated most, it is what people end up aspiring to the most: to be fair-skinned, to be thin, to put forward an image of "happiness" into social media most of the time. What kind of a society would we amount to if only those things are what everyone aspired to?

It would be a shame if, after everything a woman has done, she would be measured by how she looked while doing them, rather than having done the deeds themselves.

In other news, I tried cooking pasta (while creating my own carbonara sauce) and mashed potatoes for my lunch/dinner repertoire for the upcoming week. This was the first time I have attempted both dishes, and I must say that they have turned out to be my best cooking so far! 

Here are the recipes:
Pasta Carbonara by Antonio Carluccio
Mashed Potatoes by AllRecipes.com

To clarify, I do feel loneliness from time-to-time but I also experience multiple states of being every day. While loneliness in a foreign city is inevitable, it is not the pervading emotion that dominates my every day. It is transient, and more as a response to significant life events rather than a state of being. My every day consists of something new to try and learn, some new place to go, some new thing that makes me grow.
In solitude, “one’s inner voices become audible [and] one responds more clearly to other lives.” Wendell Berry.

A reliable friend has brought to my attention a fake Facebook account under my name this past week. We quickly took action by posting public Facebook statuses warning all of our friends/followers of the fake account and to report and block it. 

What was infuriating about having an "impostor" was having someone attempt to "replicate" an aspect of my identity without dealing with the costs. It took a lot of courage and work to build the life I am living, and now someone is posing to have that life without the real work. Posing as someone else is a short-cut. Often, these short-cuts have their own repercussions.

Anyway, my friends said that the fake account has disappeared. Thank you to all who have brought this to my attention and have reported and blocked the fake account. Please remember that I only have 1 Facebook, 1 Twitter, 1 Instagram and 1 YouTube account.

When I was still in the Philippines applying for graduate school, I longed to begin life anew on my own terms. When I got back to New York after a three-week Philippine visit for my brother's college graduation, I was daunted with the new journey of living on my own. I had to learn what house-cleaning materials to buy, what to look for when buying kitchen utensils, learn to do my own groceries and the highlight of it all was having to learn to cook my own food. In the beginning, I was content on survival alone. Basta makakain.
I am very lucky to have a cousin in New Jersey who is an aspiring chef and a generous resource when it comes to food. He accompanied me to two grocery stores (one in New Jersey and the other one in Trader Joe's) and taught me all the basics on what to buy and how to cook chicken stir fry and beef stew. From all the basics that I've learned I am now building my own cooking "repertoire." I binge-watch Brother's Green Eats on youtube for ideas and I'm happy to say I am doing well! 

I am rediscovering what it is I love about food and I find that I have a natural feel for the flavors that I like. I have more agency on what I choose to consume because I buy my own ingredients. I am not only eating out of need but of want and curiosity. As I carve a new life for myself on my own terms, food has been added into the picture. At present I not only have found a new community in Juilliard which I can call my second family, found my own living space, I have also learned to "sustain" myself. Good food, good friends, working towards something bigger than me - these are the bedrock on which I am presently carving out a new life.

Not many people in the world have had the experience of being transformed by a "hero." When I was 25 years old I was about to become embittered, full of anger and disappointment at the people whom I believed was failing miserably to give light towards young people like me. I had this in my heart as I set forth to apply for graduate school hoping to escape the small dark world I felt trapped in.

I first met Jim Houghton during my initial callback last January 24, 2015. He was leading the callback panel and I had to do the Saint Joan monologue for the second time that day. He was very stern in the adjustments he wanted me to make; even so in his questioning, "Why do you want to go to Juilliard?" After this initial callback process I met him for the second time that same evening for the interview in the Drama Division Office, together with Carolyn Serota. He was much warmer this time, and the atmosphere was more relaxed and informal, to my relief.

One of the questions he had asked me during the interview was, "What do you think of the school?" I started to speak and then uncontrollably, began to break down in tears. "I did not expect everybody to be so warm," I managed to blurt out. I felt misunderstood throughout most of my college and early twenties and had tremendous difficulty finding a community where I felt accepted for who I was. To have traveled so far and then to receive this warmth and kindness from a foreign community that did not even know me yet was initially overwhelming. He offered me a box of tissues. We continued the interview and when it was finished he walked me to the door and said, "Take it easy."

In all of the graduate programs I auditioned for that eventful January 2015 in the United States, it was only in the community of the Juilliard Drama Division that I felt seen as a human being. The initial callbackees who gathered around Jim after the final group exercise that evening were thanked for what it took and cost us (personal, financial) to be there auditioning for them that day. After the final callback weekend in March 2015 and finding out I was accepted into the program, I then walked through one of the longest bridges in my life to make it to the other side. It was a much exposed journey, due to my crowdfunding stint. When I finally arrived on shore, Jim asked me, "You raised the money?" (pertaining to #GoFundRegina). "Yes," I said. And he gave me a high five.

I've completed my first year with the 4-year program, moving onto the second. As I walk through the halls, I am filled with awe at the new space I have found myself in and the beautiful human beings who comprise it. For the first time in my adult life I feel surrounded by love, every day.

Jim helped transform the Juilliard Drama Division into a community. A community that enabled me to find the love and safe space I've always needed to finally heal. When Jim looks at me, when Jim looks at all of us, I feel like a source of light myself. When something (a thought, a person, a memory) occurs in front of me that brings me back to that small dark place, I think of Jim's look. It is the look of another human being who can see the light in another human being. You cannot fake that look. One cannot. I will remember that light when the darkness threatens to engulf me once again.

Thank you, Jim. I will take it from hereon. And I will always remember the light.

Also read: James Houghton 1958-2016 by Ira Rosenblum; and
 James Houghton: The 'Samurai Spirit' of Signature Theater by Ben Brantley