Rituals and Beginnings
The path of growth is not a straight line!
There are many things that I hope for myself this year. In the welcome emails that we've been getting from some teachers, there is this sense of looking forward to a year of transformative growth (one teacher even went as far as, "going beyond your greatest expectations of yourself this year"). Frankly, I do not know what to expect. Most of the early part of second year was me being obsessed with growth - as if I was a plant that wanted to be pulled up in the direction of the sun as quickly as possible. I learned that I cannot control the pace of my growth. I can only set the conditions for it to happen - some of it is "mental," too.
I have noticed that there are some aspects of this specific journey of mine that triggers a melancholy aspect of my psyche - I have a hunch I might have absorbed this at home. Also, the trauma of some second year challenges (i.e. bed bugs and other domestic problems, and race) still feel alive in me and somewhat conditioned my body and mind to anticipate that something bad might happen anytime.
I've been observing or studying other people in my life who haven't gone through what I've gone through last year and I feel that their outlook in life is much different. They're a little more hopeful and a little more positive. I've also been reading a couple of Buddha doodles and been mentally reciting some affirmations to myself.
Without being too specific, there are things that I want and hope for but I want to make peace with the fact that whatever happens, I will be okay. And I want to create a space in my inner landscape to allow for what I desire to happen, happen.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
A Poem to BEGIN:
If there is one thing I am truly tired of, it is the narrative of unrequited love. Sometimes feeling rejected for far too long makes a dent in one's self worth. I want to make this year a year where I reclaim my self worth and love even if it means standing alone. I am never truly alone, I've got friends and people behind me that remind me that I am worthy just as I am. I am starting this new school year strong and this poem is a declaration onto the universe:
I tore your note
in the subway.
Left the pieces
in the train
as I got out.
You are the train
I'm letting past.
Never opened the doors
for me anyway.
- Regina De Vera, 9/9/2017
Note to self: Please hang out more and work with people who are healthy and good for you.
I am a Graduate Drama student at The Juilliard School from Quezon City, Philippines.